Woonies_Noona - Without You
Without You
Title: 1/5
‘Without You’ is a very cliché title. I’m sorry, but it’s true. If I were to spot your story from the vast array of stories, I would have skipped it.
Appearance: 2/10
Appearance: 2/10
The poster wasn’t very pretty. It was too plain and there wasn’t much effort put into it. No offence intended.
Foreword/Description: 4/15
The description of your story was extremely short. You could’ve stressed more on who Heather was or what type of person Kibum is. You should’ve provided more information so that readers would know what to expect or be interested in actually reading the story.
Plot/Originality: 17/30
I already knew who she was going to end up with at the start of the story. What I didn’t get was how easily she seemed to have forgotten Eli. She’s been suffering for so long and now, she suddenly forgets him? I know that there’s that hypnotizing thing, but seriously, it was a major face palm. No offence.
Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary/Grammar: 15/20
Your grammar wasn’t all that bad. The only thing missing were punctuations. I’ll correct some of the mistakes I find on Chapter 1.
He got down the hall when he noticed a figure curled up on the couch.
It was when he walked down the stairs and into the hall that he spotted a silhouette of what seemed to be Heather, on the couch.
When writing in third person, it’s best to make your sentences long and descriptive. When you said ‘got down the hall’, what exactly do you mean by that? I didn’t really know so I assumed that his room is upstairs and he had to walk down to the hall.
She looked up at the boy but responded with a sniffle not words.
She looked at him with teary eyes and responded with a light sniffle.
You forgot your punctuations. Judging by his reaction and her sniffling, I’ll assume that she cried.
Before Heather was with Kibum, she was with Eli but not really.
Before Heather was with Kibum, she was with Eli, but their relationship was a very complicated one.
Your choice of words is a little awkward.
See he saw her as a conquest, she saw him as her first real love.
You see, he saw her as a conquest while him her first love.
You left out the comma and when you say ‘first love’, it means love. There isn’t such a thing as fake love or real love; it’s either love or it’s not love.
Eli played the nice guy card, taking time to spend time with her, getting to know her playing the caring friend.
Eli played the nice guy card: he took her out and spent time with her; he got to know her more and more; he played the caring friend who would always be there for her no matter what.
The comma isn’t supposed to be there. There was also a confusion is tense. This whole scenario has already passed hence having to use past tense.
He knew what she was going to say, he’d been waiting months to hear it.
He knew what she was about to tell him for he had been waiting for months to hear it.
You should not have used a comma there; you could’ve used an en dash or a semi-colon or even changed it to ‘for’ or ‘as’.
In that moment he knew he was ready to move on to the next part of his plan.
At that moment, he knew that it was time to move on the next chapter – the next part of his plan.
It’s ‘at’, not ‘in’. You should’ve used a comma after ‘moment’.
Overall, your English is pretty good. There were times where you spelled ‘though’ wrongly. Other than that, it was alright. Also, please don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
Writing style: 1/5
To be honest, I’m not exactly fond of your writing style. It was too compressed and tight, if you get what I mean. You should’ve spaced them a little. Your chapters were a little too short.
Flow: 3/10
The story was way too fast. I got a little confused, especially since your story was a little messy and tight.
Overall enjoyment: 4/5
I liked your story and I actually read the whole thing! I hardly ever do that. There was once where I even forgot that I was reviewing and I had to go back and read it all over again, reviewer style. It was a little too messy though.
Overall: 47/100
Please don’t be disheartened. I liked your story, but it was just too messy. The idea was there, but the way you carried it out made me wince. Your story was good though!