rinnieful - Spoiled Apple
Spoiled Apple by rinnieful
Story link; http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/28909/
Reviewer; purichu
Story link; http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/28909/
Reviewer; purichu
Title – 3/5; the title is pretty captivating but it has no relation to the story once so ever.
Foreword/Description – 3/10; the description is pretty vague but it gives us enough information on what the story might be about. No foreword posted. Forewords are usually for pictures and small messages you have. You could’ve at least given a small description of the main characters and maybe an introduction?
Poster/trailer –3/5; the poster is okay but it’s a bit plain; no offense to the graphic maker. No trailer.
Plot – 10/20; this specific plot was definitely new to me. I like how T.O.P is portrayed as the ‘bad guy’ and G-Dragon is the ‘good one’. The roles are switched and I absolutely love that. The start of the story is pretty good and it gives us an insight on Sunri’s life.
Grammar/Spelling/Vocabulary – 5/10; I saw a small amount of spelling and grammar errors and for a 13 year old at the time, your vocabulary isn’t bad. But remember, you did have a few mistakes. As soon as the first word starts, the error is clearly evitable. “Today’s another boring day.” I said lazyly to myself. “Today’s” should be changed to “Todays”. There is no need for an apostrophe. “Lazyly” should be changed to “Lazily”. It’s a common mistake for beginners.
Please make sure you space your punctuation correctly. “Pistachio,gross” should be “Pistachio, gross.” I don’t know if this was by accident but it’s happened quite a lot. I’m assuming you don’t use Microsoft Word since the quotation marks look straight. You should try it so it can help you fix mistakes while proofreading.
You spelled ‘Embarrassingly’ wrong. Jesus. This is only the first chapter. All I can say is please, please, PLEASE proofread everything and fix EVERYTHING you find. Don’t just skim through paragraph to paragraph looking for big mistakes. The small ones also make a difference.
Writing Style – 7/10; I’ll generous since you were pretty young when writing this. You think ahead for your age and that’s a plus. “My eyes almost burned from the sight. My ears almost melted from the sound. But, my heart almost froze from the pain.” I really adored that line. It was short yet had so much meaning. I found myself smiling like an idiot after reading that. Your writing style is pretty good just refrain from spacing too much. The “;” isn’t needed when separating sentences. They’re used to connect them. Your paragraphs, when you insert them, are REALLY LONG. I found myself dreading to read just because it looked like so much work. No. Just no. The comedy you added in was really nice. You have a good sense of humor and it takes away from the drama. But, your writing skills are a bit amateur. The confrontation was absolutely priceless. I was dying of laughter. Chapter 12 is what really killed. Not the fact that Chaerin died but the way it was all set-up. Didn’t Sunri get slammed against a wall?! How did she suddenly interrogate an ambulance to the hospital? Shouldn’t she have been treated too? The way you ended chapter 17 was amazing. It was so simple yet it gave me chills.
Characterization – 5/10; I still couldn’t grasp Sunri OR TOP’s personality because they changed SO MUCH. But you did a great job for writing Chaerin, Jiyong, Dara, and Taeyang. You kept them the way they were from the beginning to the end. TOP’s character is a little bit ridiculous. Really? He’s 17? And he’s a huge superstar who just banged 2 chicks in a classroom? I know imagination is unlimited but reality isn’t. I actually couldn’t help but giggle a little at how foolish that was. No matter how much of a dick he might’ve been, I’m sure he had some decency. Jiyong is very sweet and stayed very sweet. The fact that you were trying to turn him into the bad guy alongside TOP was just a ‘wtf’. In fact, we never knew whether he truly believed Sunri was a whore or not. Chaerin was cool. In fact, it made me like her even more. She was always there for Sunri and she had a kicking sense of humor. Taeyang was just hallelujah. I was seriously NOT expecting him to be the wind beneath Sunri’s wings. Although the development was way rushed, I gushed over his sweetness. As for Dara, stabbing and cutting Sunri was highly unnecessary and a bit over-board. As time developed,
Flow – 7/10; No offense but, the flow of this story isn’t great. Everything sort of jumped scenes and happened as a blur. If you extended each of your chapters and elongated the paragraphs, maybe, just maybe we could have something going.
Ending – 6/10; …So Tabi hits Sunri and we never see him again? WHAT? LOL. We never found out what happened to Sunri’s dad, Dara and Chaerin’s parents. And on top of that, we never even found out who killed Chaerin! I’m glad she ended up with Youngbae but everything was executed poorly. I’m guessing you wanted everything to cliffhang because that was definitely the vibe I got. It makes us wonder what will lie ahead for Sunri and Taeyang.
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